Fear.

((by Jazmine Sullivan))

i'm scared to try, cuz im scared to fail.
im scared to die, cuz im scared of hell.
im scared to kiss, im scared to hug
im scared of sex, cuz im scared to touch.
im scared to look, cuz im scared to see
im scared of you, cuz im scared of me.
im scared to fly, im scared to crash
im scared to move on, so i live in the past.
im scared to fight, cuz im scared to bleed
im scared of love, cuz im scared he'll leave
im scared of drugs, im scared to drink
im scared to swim, cuz im scared to sink.
im scared to learn, cuz im scared of truth
Dont want to gain weight, cuz im scared of food
im scared to think that the label dropped me

This may soun silly, but its true
So dont pretend it aint you too
We all afraid of somethin' hear..
Cuz you aint human without fear.

im scared to start, cuz im scared i'll quit
im scared that people wont like my shit
im scared of fame and paparazzi
and rumors starting and people watching
im scared to grow up, cuz im scared to get old
im scared of the dark and bein alone
im scared of war..im scared of jail
im scared to share a secret, cuz im scared you'll tell

This may sound silly, but its true
So dont pretend it aint you too
We all afraid of somethin' hear..
Cuz you aint human witout FEAR.

Numb...????

Am i suppose to be, or am i suppose to feel like shit right now? idk..because its like im so numb to how things use to be between us, yet i feel so much at the same time. So wtf, which is suppose to take place in my mind??I want to be completely numb, but my feelings are fighting the ability to just say,"fck it." I mean, thats how i feel and thats what i been saying, but behind those words lies confusion of how im suppose to feel. This is why i dont like liking someone..ever. because once i become dissapointed, its like my mind has a damn identity crisis or something. thats why i try so hard not to like someone, or trusting someone on an emotional level. i cant deal with being happy and feeling like i've finally established an understanding with someone, then suddenly feel like, "damn, i guess im misunderstood after all." or just a feeling of complete doubt...im just too sensitive of a person to be able to completely say "fck it," because of the fact that a bond of understanding was once there.. making me question whether it still is or not..idk.

Liking someone is probably the worst thing for my well-being. thats why i just try so hard to make sure it doesnt happen. and when it does, its like i want to shield myself away from the person i want, but unfortunately it doesnt happen. I just feel like shit right now..i start questioning whats wrong with me once rejection takes place, even though i have yet to find the answer to that question i have asked for so long.

It sucks though..because if one day someone actually accepts who i am, it might take me a while to realize it, due to past experiences.but thats how it is. I think some people are just not meant to be in a "relationship." Im only 16 so i dont care to be in one anyway, i just dont wanna like anyone..and if i do, i at least want them to like me back...and for it to stay that way.

at skool...

and in a suprisingly good mood, and im not exactly sure why. I suppose one of the possible reasons could be because I woke up this morning without a trace of doubt in my mind, as i have been lately. I guess its taken me a while to realize that dwelling or even thinking about negative things wont make it any better. eventually, you just gotta move on. sometimes its hard to though, because all of those bad thoughts just cant be erased. When it all comes down to it, it wont matter anyway. i came in this world alone,which means i'll be just fine the same way..so eff' whoever cant accept who i am.

Whats wrong with me?

Almost every situation leads me to that question. Unfortunately i still dont know the answer. Theres got to be an answer,because i cant help but ask myself what the problem is..Been trying to figure it out for as long as i can remember. I hope that i find out the answer soon. Im tired of wrecking my brain. I feel like im being punished simply for my existence, even though clearly i never asked to be here, or be the way i am for that matter.I use to be able to escape mentally somehow, but now i just cant because that everlasting question of "whats wrong with me?" haunts my mind..Causing me to feel completely trapped. Hopefully i will find a way out of this emotional maze of doubt.

My Mind..

has been on complete overload lately. I mean, its usually always racing 120 miles per second..but idk what the deal is other than the fact that i have a ridiculous amount of things on my mind.  There's just so many things i want right now..for my life, and for myself. Its just hard not to think about issues right now. my issues, the worlds issues.. just ISSUES. We all have them, whatever they may be, but it kinda sucks not knowing how to fix or get rid of them.

Why do some people think....

that they can treat people wrong and still get away with it ???? Its like, you did someone wrong, you had no good intentions, or no intentions at all for that matter, and yet you still get to live like you never hurt anyone??I DONT THINK SO!!!! Nuh-uh, no siree bob. Why should you be able to get what you want and WHO you want  when you f'ed up and affected someone in a negative way?? Why do you get to pour some patron and drink it too???? Its just not fair. But one thing that these dumb folks usually forget is that karma and retaliation is in store for them. Whenever someone does me wrong, i always feel the need to get revenge, simply because I dont think that someone should get to act wrong towards someone and not get punished for  it.  Yeah, you may  think you got the world right now, but wait til the reality of life creeps up on you....then you're gonna wish that you had done things differently, and treated people differently from the very beginning.

digable planets....

i've been listening to them for like 5 hours..they're the shit..sooo chill. Why dont we have real talent like this in the hip hop world anymore????((except for a few)) like seriously..what ever happened to lyrical flow???? people think all they gotta do is make up dumb ass dances((ahem, soulja boy))  to call themselves talented. Its just not music to me.

why cant I...

figure out how to put music on my damn blog!!!! WTF DUDE!!!! its pissing me off..lmfao. i need some music.