dear diary....

So today I read this Book called "Dear Diary" by Lesley Arfin. Its really good.  Its about the author, and the book has all of her diary entries starting from age 11 up to twenty something. She went through a bunch of teenage crap and started doin a bunch of drugs and eventually had to go to rehab. Its very blunt and honest. and i strongly recommend it for every teenage girl, cuz its just so real and relatable.

some people are just meant to....

encounter a specific type of pain in their lives. Mine would be rejection. I always end up feeling rejected in some kinda way,  and in different situations with different people. I never really understood why, and im not sure I ever will.  I suppose that all the rejection that has come my way is essential to make me a stronger person....I just wish that I didn't have to get hurt in the process. Im often left wondering what's wrong with me and what caused  rejection in the first place. But why should I keep trying to pick myself apart when thats the one thing I hate about being scrutinized by other people???? The only answer to that infinite question is that I keep trying to find the problem..the problem within myself that has caused people to reject me, AND that has in return caused me to fill with sadness and confusion. The thing is though, I can never seem to find the problem that I have been looking for for so long. Someone once said to me its because there's not one there. Its all a whirlwind of thoughts in my mind that I just cant seem to get rid of. Will it ever go away and just leave me the hell alone???? I dont know. Maybe i'll never know. But heyy, thats life. Thats MY life.

 

I wish that everyone....

understood this about me.. I am my own person, and I sometimes question the purpose of my existence because I have so many flaws. I often feel the need to escape from reality, both mentally and physically. I escape mentally by dreaming of a world that doesn't exist, and I escape physically by keeping myself away from others. This is the only way I can protect myself from what I consider to be a poisonous world, and from the thoughts of close minded beings. They judge and criticize because they simply don't understand, and refuse to allow themselves to view things in a way other than their own. I cant let the realities of life bring me down, and I cant shield myself from the heart of someone who might actually care about me. Its a shame how much rejection I have encountered in my life. It haunts my thoughts and creates a gray aura of melancholy. No matter how happy  I may become, the memories of sadness will be behind a smile that was once a frown. the aura of gray will be lurking behind the rainbow of life, and the feelings that have brought me to tears will remain behind an infectious laugh. Sometimes, it takes your worst enemy to make you realize who you really are. In my case, that enemy is myself.

sometimes I wonder....

Well, they say that everyone is here on this earth for a reason, and im aware that that is true. but at the same time, i still wonder if that is the truth in everyones case. for example, bad people that kill and want to make others lives miserable. People that have no consideration,sensitivity, or even a soul... what about these people???? If they  want to cause so much harm, then why did god put them here? i guess we'll never know. You have those soul-less folks, people that are well aware of their life path and there direction, then you got people like me.. who knows that there is a reason for their existence, just not sure what that is yet. Nobody knows how long it takes to truly  find yourself. Even when you may think that you've gone through enough experiences to realize that you may finally know who you are, life tells you  the contrary in that strangest way, making you question your well being once again.

*But....

-sometimes it takes another person to  lead the way to your self- realization. you could spend so much time questioning yourself, not knowing that the key to your true self lies in the existence of another human being. they  could be helping you, and you could be helping them without even noticing. i suppose thats just how it works in some cases. you just have to take into consideration who you were in the past, who you are in the present, and who you could be in the future.

its true what they say about this....

 So, you may have heard someone say that even though you may think you feel a certain way about someone and it has to end, that someone else will come around and be better, blah, blah, blah. But this weekend made me realize that.  I already choose not get involved with anyone romantically, but it took me a while to notice that if you try to force a relationship of any kind, that it just wont work out. Yet, when a relationship is the last thing on your mind, you find yourself in the position of what could possibly turn out to be a potential one. Thats how I feel right now, but I wont get my hopes up. Just when you think that you've found whatever it is that you have always been looking for, life has a way of making what you think what you've finally found lost again. then the process repeats itself, until soon enough, you're no longer searching for that dream..you're now living it, simply because you didnt try to force it to come true.