Original Quote.

-

 

"the moment of truth lies in the magic of  love.. but the existence of such beauty is forever a powerful mystery."

-Me.

♥12.11.09 ♥

God, where are you ?

I think a  lot about the state of the world today. i wonder why it is so difficult to have and to maintain peace.. i believe it is because we as a nation have never truly had that. so many wars.. so much violence.. so much killing taking place. i don't understand it.  We pray to the lord above us.. to bless us with happiness and to release us... but why nothing ? why no positive change ? where are you god ? you must look down upon us and be  overwhelmed with remorse. how does your gracious heart let so much bad happen in this world ? the little girl that was abducted and killed.. the woman that was raped and beaten to death.. the families that lost it all due to the flooding of new orleans.. the killing of innocent people.. How do you sit back and let this happen ?  Do you want us all to suffer?? we've been through so much.. have you no sympathy for what happens to your children everyday ? do you believe that all of this pain is the way to  true salvation ? because when i look at what this world is, i am not sure that there is one.  only you have the power to fix it all.. so why watch us like this..  are we an everlasting film composed of the worst ? is all of the  bad that happens amusing to you ? i just want an answer god. i think we all want an answer. you are the only one capable of giving it to us.. and we are ready to receive. i've asked you so many questions. but please, just answer this last one... "god, where are you ??"

Show Me.

by John Legend.

I realize as I lay down to sleep
We haven't spoken in weeks
So many things that I'd like to know
Come have a talk with me
I need a sign, something I can see
Why all the mystery?
I try not to fall for make believe
But what is reality?
Where do we go?
What do we know?
Life has to have a meaning
Show me the light
Show me the way
Show that you're listening

Show me that you love me
Show me that you walk with me
Hopefully, just above me
Heaven's watching over me

Guess it's funny how I say thanks to you
For all you've given me
Sometimes the price of what you gave to me
I can't stop questioning
O God of love, peace, and mercy
Why so much suffering?

I pray for the world, it gets worse to me
Wonder if you're listening
When people go
Why do they go?
Why don't you choose me?
But someday I know
I'm gonna go
I hope you're waiting for me

Show me that you love me
Show me that you walk with me
Hopefully, just above me
Heaven's watching over me

Maybe we'll talk
Some other night
Right now I'll take it easy
Won't spend my time
Waiting to die
Enjoy the life I'm living

Show me that you love me
Show me that you walk with me
Hopefully, just above me
Heaven's watching over me

electric relaxation.

 well, well, well. its been a while. things have been quite different.. i have a feeling this will be a better year. i've been having my share of fun lately.. as i should be. met  some interesting people.. done some cool things. i feel like the older i become, the more i begin to know myself. hopefully this journey of mine will be worthwhile.. because i would hate to not gain anything..mentally. i realize more each day, and i'm glad because it gives me something to think about. sometimes you have to let things fall into place.. everything can't be controlled, and i've learned that. i like the idea of  living freely so much more. it feels natural. why stress about things that i can do nothing about ? why live according to a structure everyday ? i cant... i wont be happy. i just need to kick back, chill, and enjoy the relaxation..

Me.

confusion. wonder. eccentricity. pain.

seems as though my life has consists of these things.

confusion. wonder. eccentricity. pain.

i awaken  in a blur, as  these four are there to greet me at dawn.

confusion. wonder. eccentricity. pain.

 for almost seventeen years, they strangely remain.

confusion. wonder. eccentricity. pain.

will i strengthen  from this, or will i let it break me ?

the answer will continue to be unknown.. that is, until i stop letting my fears and emotions control me.  i cannot let them exist. they must vanish now.

Wrote this a while ago..

when the sky is blue, that's how i'm feeling.

as the wind blows, so do my kisses.

when the rain pours down, my tears do the same.

as gray skies appear, i feel alone.

when the sun sets, i am instantly inspired.

as the dawn arrives, i embrace a new journey.

when night is near, i am ready to dream.

but when the sun shines, you are with me.

I am not Afraid..

it is somewhat difficult yet so easy for me to describe how i feel.. difficult when at an attempt to explain to others, yes. easy when we're expressing our mutual feelings to each other and no one else ? absolutely.  only we can truly understand the connection that lies within both of us. in the past, confusion was there  to greet us with open arms.. but we pushed it away once the truth became clear in our eyes. although the distance between us is a factor now, i've never felt so close to your heart. its so much better knowing how you feel, because now our admiration  for each other is no longer a  blur of  mystery... but a vivid realization.  we made a promise never to forget, but to remain hopeful that we will be together at some point in time. i will always be here for you, and i am confident that you know this.. and if  confusion comes back and takes hold of your feelings, do not hesitate to defeat it.. just look into my eyes and you will see what is true.. because our eyes will never lie at the sight of what is real.  despite my fear and anxieties, i am not afraid to embrace. i am not afraid to feel.  i am not afraid to love you.

New hair. New change.

Went from brown/auburn to black/dark red.. keyword: dark. decided to edge it up a bit. i'm an upperclassmen now, and i can't believe it because it seems like yesterday that i was a shy, insecure freshman. and looking back 2 years ago to now, i've noticed a change. i'm not exactly how i use to be. some of the things that i focus on now are slightly different. i know more. i've experienced a little more. i've been through more. i'm still that shy, insecure girl that i was 2 years ago, but she hides and doesn't come out as much as she use to. only every once in a while. for some strange reason, i'm looking forward skool.i don't know if it's because i want it to be over already  or because i know that there is more for me to experience. whatever happens, i just hope  that another positive change occurs within myself.. because i've matured. i've learned. i've realized.

Feel.

i want so badly to feel.. to feel like someone cares.. like i have a shoulder to cry on. but not just any shoulder.. the shoulder of  someone accepting.. willing to accept all that i am and also the flaws that i posses.  i am far from perfect, and i want that to be understood. i want many things right now..endless, infinite things. but the one thing that i would choose out of  my many desires  is nothing more than that of.... love. whatever that may be, i am not sure because it is love that my soul has yet to experience.. it is love that i need to be happy... it is love that i need to feel . . . . complete.

i need to..

enjoy myself. have fun. i need to stop being self-concious. i need to stop thinking that absolutely no one will ever understand me or the way i think. i need to be more fearless. i need more confidence in myself. i need to not stress. i need to not worry. i need to erase all the anxieties that have kept me from doing certain things. i need to pursue my interests. i need to stop holding back. i need to live happily. i need to live freely. i need to live LIFE.

Dont Forget.

(( by Demi Lovato))

Did you forget
That i was even alive
Did you forget
Everything we ever had
Did you forget
Did you forget



Did you regret
Ever standing by my side
Did you forget
what we were feeling inside
now i'm left to forget
about us

But somewhere we went wrong
we were once so strong
out love is like a song
you can't forget it

So now i guess
this is where we have to stand
Did you regret
Ever holding my hand
Never again
Please don't forget
Don't forget

We had it all
we were just about to fall
even more in love
than we were before
i won't forget
i won't forget
about us

But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
our love is like a song
you can't forget it

Somewhere we went wrong
we were once so strong
our love is like a song
you can't forget it
At all

And at last
all the pictures have been burned
And all the past
is just a lesson that we've learned
I won't forget
Please don't forget
About us

Somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
But you won't sing along
You've forgotten
About Us

Don't Forget.

i am simply..

speechless right now. my mind has been on overload because of teenage life and michael jacksons passing..

i'll pour my heart and soul out when i have the mental energy to do so.

as for right now,

peace. :)

am i suppose to be uncertain..

about us?? am i suppose to wonder if what i think i'm feeling is real or not?? why do i question this all of a sudden?? is it due to the fact that i've never been involved in this type of relationship, or a relationship at all for that matter?? i wish i knew the answer to all of these questions, but patience is a virtue right now..it is essential for me to know what i am getting myself into...or if i want us to proceed in this union. i like to belive that what he is saying has been carefully thought, but how can i possibly be sure? are you at an attempt to make your words believeable , or are you stating the truth? do you KNOW what you feel? EXACTLY what you really truly feel? because honestly, i am not very secure that you do. i am not secure that i know what i feel is real. how could i know when this feeling has never really emerged within my soul? i dont know what this is. i dont know how i feel anymore. i just want an answer. an answer to whether or not i should take a risk by staying with you. an answer to know if what i'm feeling is real or not..an answer to know if we belong together.

Week of the Originator. ((December 3-10))

 

STRENGTHS: Unusual, Ardent, Talented

WEAKNESSES: Peculiar, Irresponsible, Rejected

Sagittarius 2's are different and are not afraid to show it. Among the more unusual people of the year, even the most apparently normal of them may come to seem a tad peculiar once you get to know them better. They rarely consider doing anything in any way other than their own. it would be one thing if they were content with being different, but they usually expect others to understand them somehow. In consequence, Sagittarius 2's commonly encounter rejection, which they must learn to handle without becoming frustrated or bitter. They usually  become dependent on one or two close friends or family members for acceptance and emotional support.

The most successful of those born in the Week of the Originator  are those who can cash in on their own wacky way of seeing and doing things. True, some Sagittarius 2's can get mired in frustration and self-pity , and may find their friends teasing them with jokes about their weirdness or strangeness; but for the most part they are proud of who they are , although perhaps unable to explain how they got that way. Even so , those born in this week have escapist tendencies , often feeling  impelled to retreat or even flee from the problems of everyday life. The danger that they will involve themselves in questionable activities or drug states is high ,  and an ever-present threat to their physical and mental health.

Those born in this week are often clever-good with their hands , quick with their minds, technically proficient in their principal pursuit. Whatever  their eccentricities , success can be theirs for asking. Their talents may lead them into overconfidence , however , and by overestimating their faculties and abilities they can slip and fall. They can be slow to learn this lesson. 

In fact , becoming more realistic about themselves and the world around them is generally a struggle for Sagittarius 2's , who often take on too many activities at once , and occasionally the wrong ones. 

This week sports its share of expressive and exhibitionistic individuals. Perhaps out  of an inner drive to show  people who they really are ,  Sagittarius 2's can sometimes let aggression run riot , whether it be territorial, intellectual , sexual , or emotional. Perhaps the greatest need of those born in this week is to turn some of their outwardly energy inward , and to develop their spiritual side. They will also benefit by seeking to understand others better , particularly by listening , and to expand their circle of friends and acquaintances. Engagement in humanitarian pursuits or community projects  will help them to normalize their relations with their fellow human beings.

In general , Sagittarius 2's will save themselves and others a great deal of agony by seeking out people who will appreciate their uniqueness and avoiding the effort to impress or be accepted by those who will not. This is true of both marriage and business partners. Those born in this week are liable to give their all for love , and they sometimes get hurt in the process.. 

*When young , they may experience more than average disappointment in romantic relationships. A common scenario involves idolizing someone who does not return the enthusiasm . A number of rejection notices from several different  addresses may be necessary to make them more realistic about their feelings and choices.

*When they do meet someone who will love and understand them , their first response  may be to push this person away , perhaps in disbelief. Once a bond of trust is formed, however , and particularly  if that process has been long and difficult . Sagittarius 2's may become emotionally fixated and clinging.  Depending on the depth of the love felt , the other person can get nervous , and back off in fear. The Sagittarius 2 should be wary , then , of laying too heavy a weight on lovers or friends , and particularly of trying to convince them that they are the  "only one who understands"- a burden that is almost counterproductive to the relationship.

*Sagittarius 2's have an intensely physical side that cries out for satisfaction. Because they tend to give themselves fully to their experiences , they make ardent  lovers and appreciative mates and friends. often extremely attractive , either in their person or their personality , those born in this week can be true heartbreakers. Yet their equally strong tendency to act irresponsibly or destructively  may finally lead even the most patient of lovers to break up with them.

 ADVICE:

                                                                            

                 * Try to get out a bit more and do what others do from time to time. Don't yourself into a corner by believing that no one can understand you. Make an effort to let others into your private world. Resist turning off to life: Keep things fresh and renew your commitment.

Touched By an Angel ((by Maya Angelou))

We, unaccustomed to courage 
exiles from delight 
live coiled in shells of loneliness 
until love leaves its high holy temple 
and comes into our sight 
to liberate us into life.

Love arrives 
and in its train come ecstasies 
old memories of pleasure 
ancient histories of pain. 
Yet if we are bold, 
love strikes away the chains of fear 
from our souls.

We are weaned from our timidity 
In the flush of love's light 
we dare be brave

And suddenly we see 
that love costs all we are 
and will ever be. 
Yet it is only love 
which sets us free.

soooo true.

"Don't be so Paranoid.."

yeah, i gotta stop that sooner or later..and has to be sooner. i cant shield myself from the world  emotionally anymore. Lately i've had this anxiety about being emotionally attached or even emotionally open with someone. it cant be that way forever. my guard has to be put down eventually. i cant remain ice cold without a trace of heat to melt my heart. i suppose that it is essential to keep others at a distance when you feel that you should be protected from any harm that could possibly head in your direction...but after a while, i had to realize that its not always the way to live, constantly worrying about this, that, and the other. worrying about things that haven't even taken place..except for in my mind, where possible situations take hold of my thoughts. its time to release the fear i have always held within myself, and its also time to make peace with it. 

so goodbye to the fear of my past, and hello to the fearless-ness of my future.

you will be with me through every situation i may encounter, and you will guide me  and bless me to  continue my journey of life.

Comes to the light..

i've realized something. i'm not quite sure what that might be, but i can feel it. i'm not  sure what to do at this point..its like i want so badly to just let it all out,  but once again i just dont want to face rejection. Its like, i wanna wait until he's ready to tell me, but what if he never does???? then i'll be left wishing i had. idk. maybe i should just give up. or maybe i shouldnt. what to do, what to do....

i hate feeling like this. 

"if you have no one to love, you have everything." -so true.

"year's almost over, thank you jesus".

3 days to go homeskillet, then im outta this bee-otch! im not stayin here all day. mi madre is bringin my new phone, then im leaving with Dre and a few others. i dont have a final to take today, so eff' it. im just glad that things are starting to make more sense. confusion is not meant to last forever.. only until you figure out the missing pieces of your puzzle.

And i think i have :)

oh goodness....

okay so im so glad that theres only like a week left of skool.. i cant take it anymore. i cant take stress anymore.. i cant take THIS anymore!!!! i just cant wait til i go to cali for the summer, and hopefully this summer turns into forever, cuz i dont wanna come back here.. i just dont. i feel like i have unfinished business back in Cali. but its not just that... i just miss it. plus im sick of how things have been goin here so far. and i miss my bestiee. and the weather. and my old skool suprisingly. and people. i just dont belong here, i really dont. im a damn cali girl..it always has and will be that way.

dude,why do you think...

that just because you and your chick no longer go out that you can be slick and try to like me again????HELL NO MOFO!!!!! lmao! Me+rebound chick=NOOO! i think not. you had your chance, but you decided to settle for less..now you may realize that, and now you tryin to get in where you fit in? nuh-uh. sorry. this game you are trying to play isnt workin for me homeskillet. what am i, a dumb ass? no. and he knows that. and if he doesnt, then he is about to.

funny how things turn out.

sometimes you regret things when something happens even if someone did something to you and not vice versa. you think"damn, i wish i wouldve done things differently, or that it never even happened." but eventually when you stop searching for the answers to all those questions you once had, they come to you outta nowhere. I stopped thinking about what upset me in the past, stopped wondering and looking for answers...then i found out everything i had onced longed to know..now that im over it lmao. and, i found out in the most unexpected way... in a song.

lmfaooo.
funny how things turn out.
damn, i love music.
haha!!

Fear.

((by Jazmine Sullivan))

i'm scared to try, cuz im scared to fail.
im scared to die, cuz im scared of hell.
im scared to kiss, im scared to hug
im scared of sex, cuz im scared to touch.
im scared to look, cuz im scared to see
im scared of you, cuz im scared of me.
im scared to fly, im scared to crash
im scared to move on, so i live in the past.
im scared to fight, cuz im scared to bleed
im scared of love, cuz im scared he'll leave
im scared of drugs, im scared to drink
im scared to swim, cuz im scared to sink.
im scared to learn, cuz im scared of truth
Dont want to gain weight, cuz im scared of food
im scared to think that the label dropped me

This may soun silly, but its true
So dont pretend it aint you too
We all afraid of somethin' hear..
Cuz you aint human without fear.

im scared to start, cuz im scared i'll quit
im scared that people wont like my shit
im scared of fame and paparazzi
and rumors starting and people watching
im scared to grow up, cuz im scared to get old
im scared of the dark and bein alone
im scared of war..im scared of jail
im scared to share a secret, cuz im scared you'll tell

This may sound silly, but its true
So dont pretend it aint you too
We all afraid of somethin' hear..
Cuz you aint human witout FEAR.

Numb...????

Am i suppose to be, or am i suppose to feel like shit right now? idk..because its like im so numb to how things use to be between us, yet i feel so much at the same time. So wtf, which is suppose to take place in my mind??I want to be completely numb, but my feelings are fighting the ability to just say,"fck it." I mean, thats how i feel and thats what i been saying, but behind those words lies confusion of how im suppose to feel. This is why i dont like liking someone..ever. because once i become dissapointed, its like my mind has a damn identity crisis or something. thats why i try so hard not to like someone, or trusting someone on an emotional level. i cant deal with being happy and feeling like i've finally established an understanding with someone, then suddenly feel like, "damn, i guess im misunderstood after all." or just a feeling of complete doubt...im just too sensitive of a person to be able to completely say "fck it," because of the fact that a bond of understanding was once there.. making me question whether it still is or not..idk.

Liking someone is probably the worst thing for my well-being. thats why i just try so hard to make sure it doesnt happen. and when it does, its like i want to shield myself away from the person i want, but unfortunately it doesnt happen. I just feel like shit right now..i start questioning whats wrong with me once rejection takes place, even though i have yet to find the answer to that question i have asked for so long.

It sucks though..because if one day someone actually accepts who i am, it might take me a while to realize it, due to past experiences.but thats how it is. I think some people are just not meant to be in a "relationship." Im only 16 so i dont care to be in one anyway, i just dont wanna like anyone..and if i do, i at least want them to like me back...and for it to stay that way.

at skool...

and in a suprisingly good mood, and im not exactly sure why. I suppose one of the possible reasons could be because I woke up this morning without a trace of doubt in my mind, as i have been lately. I guess its taken me a while to realize that dwelling or even thinking about negative things wont make it any better. eventually, you just gotta move on. sometimes its hard to though, because all of those bad thoughts just cant be erased. When it all comes down to it, it wont matter anyway. i came in this world alone,which means i'll be just fine the same way..so eff' whoever cant accept who i am.

Whats wrong with me?

Almost every situation leads me to that question. Unfortunately i still dont know the answer. Theres got to be an answer,because i cant help but ask myself what the problem is..Been trying to figure it out for as long as i can remember. I hope that i find out the answer soon. Im tired of wrecking my brain. I feel like im being punished simply for my existence, even though clearly i never asked to be here, or be the way i am for that matter.I use to be able to escape mentally somehow, but now i just cant because that everlasting question of "whats wrong with me?" haunts my mind..Causing me to feel completely trapped. Hopefully i will find a way out of this emotional maze of doubt.

My Mind..

has been on complete overload lately. I mean, its usually always racing 120 miles per second..but idk what the deal is other than the fact that i have a ridiculous amount of things on my mind.  There's just so many things i want right now..for my life, and for myself. Its just hard not to think about issues right now. my issues, the worlds issues.. just ISSUES. We all have them, whatever they may be, but it kinda sucks not knowing how to fix or get rid of them.

Why do some people think....

that they can treat people wrong and still get away with it ???? Its like, you did someone wrong, you had no good intentions, or no intentions at all for that matter, and yet you still get to live like you never hurt anyone??I DONT THINK SO!!!! Nuh-uh, no siree bob. Why should you be able to get what you want and WHO you want  when you f'ed up and affected someone in a negative way?? Why do you get to pour some patron and drink it too???? Its just not fair. But one thing that these dumb folks usually forget is that karma and retaliation is in store for them. Whenever someone does me wrong, i always feel the need to get revenge, simply because I dont think that someone should get to act wrong towards someone and not get punished for  it.  Yeah, you may  think you got the world right now, but wait til the reality of life creeps up on you....then you're gonna wish that you had done things differently, and treated people differently from the very beginning.

digable planets....

i've been listening to them for like 5 hours..they're the shit..sooo chill. Why dont we have real talent like this in the hip hop world anymore????((except for a few)) like seriously..what ever happened to lyrical flow???? people think all they gotta do is make up dumb ass dances((ahem, soulja boy))  to call themselves talented. Its just not music to me.

why cant I...

figure out how to put music on my damn blog!!!! WTF DUDE!!!! its pissing me off..lmfao. i need some music.

dear diary....

So today I read this Book called "Dear Diary" by Lesley Arfin. Its really good.  Its about the author, and the book has all of her diary entries starting from age 11 up to twenty something. She went through a bunch of teenage crap and started doin a bunch of drugs and eventually had to go to rehab. Its very blunt and honest. and i strongly recommend it for every teenage girl, cuz its just so real and relatable.

some people are just meant to....

encounter a specific type of pain in their lives. Mine would be rejection. I always end up feeling rejected in some kinda way,  and in different situations with different people. I never really understood why, and im not sure I ever will.  I suppose that all the rejection that has come my way is essential to make me a stronger person....I just wish that I didn't have to get hurt in the process. Im often left wondering what's wrong with me and what caused  rejection in the first place. But why should I keep trying to pick myself apart when thats the one thing I hate about being scrutinized by other people???? The only answer to that infinite question is that I keep trying to find the problem..the problem within myself that has caused people to reject me, AND that has in return caused me to fill with sadness and confusion. The thing is though, I can never seem to find the problem that I have been looking for for so long. Someone once said to me its because there's not one there. Its all a whirlwind of thoughts in my mind that I just cant seem to get rid of. Will it ever go away and just leave me the hell alone???? I dont know. Maybe i'll never know. But heyy, thats life. Thats MY life.

 

I wish that everyone....

understood this about me.. I am my own person, and I sometimes question the purpose of my existence because I have so many flaws. I often feel the need to escape from reality, both mentally and physically. I escape mentally by dreaming of a world that doesn't exist, and I escape physically by keeping myself away from others. This is the only way I can protect myself from what I consider to be a poisonous world, and from the thoughts of close minded beings. They judge and criticize because they simply don't understand, and refuse to allow themselves to view things in a way other than their own. I cant let the realities of life bring me down, and I cant shield myself from the heart of someone who might actually care about me. Its a shame how much rejection I have encountered in my life. It haunts my thoughts and creates a gray aura of melancholy. No matter how happy  I may become, the memories of sadness will be behind a smile that was once a frown. the aura of gray will be lurking behind the rainbow of life, and the feelings that have brought me to tears will remain behind an infectious laugh. Sometimes, it takes your worst enemy to make you realize who you really are. In my case, that enemy is myself.

sometimes I wonder....

Well, they say that everyone is here on this earth for a reason, and im aware that that is true. but at the same time, i still wonder if that is the truth in everyones case. for example, bad people that kill and want to make others lives miserable. People that have no consideration,sensitivity, or even a soul... what about these people???? If they  want to cause so much harm, then why did god put them here? i guess we'll never know. You have those soul-less folks, people that are well aware of their life path and there direction, then you got people like me.. who knows that there is a reason for their existence, just not sure what that is yet. Nobody knows how long it takes to truly  find yourself. Even when you may think that you've gone through enough experiences to realize that you may finally know who you are, life tells you  the contrary in that strangest way, making you question your well being once again.

*But....

-sometimes it takes another person to  lead the way to your self- realization. you could spend so much time questioning yourself, not knowing that the key to your true self lies in the existence of another human being. they  could be helping you, and you could be helping them without even noticing. i suppose thats just how it works in some cases. you just have to take into consideration who you were in the past, who you are in the present, and who you could be in the future.

its true what they say about this....

 So, you may have heard someone say that even though you may think you feel a certain way about someone and it has to end, that someone else will come around and be better, blah, blah, blah. But this weekend made me realize that.  I already choose not get involved with anyone romantically, but it took me a while to notice that if you try to force a relationship of any kind, that it just wont work out. Yet, when a relationship is the last thing on your mind, you find yourself in the position of what could possibly turn out to be a potential one. Thats how I feel right now, but I wont get my hopes up. Just when you think that you've found whatever it is that you have always been looking for, life has a way of making what you think what you've finally found lost again. then the process repeats itself, until soon enough, you're no longer searching for that dream..you're now living it, simply because you didnt try to force it to come true.